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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22841692">Vampire tries to touch himself...But fails miserably</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daddy1004/pseuds/Daddy1004'>Daddy1004</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>What We Do in the Shadows (2014)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Masturbation, Seduction, Shame, Teaching, Voyeurism, amateur</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:09:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22841692</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daddy1004/pseuds/Daddy1004</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you just need a good teacher and a lot of patience...</p><p>With a little help from his friends, Viago discovers that being undead isn't so bad after all</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Viago/Vladislav (What We Do in the Shadows)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera on in 3...2...1...Action!</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"Hi...it's me, your friend Vladislav...The Poker. And here we are with my other friends"-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses Deacon</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"Say 'ello Deacon"-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"Hi guys, how ya doin' "-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"And Petyr..."-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses Petyr</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"Say 'ello Petyr"-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"Ggrrmm"-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses Vlad</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"We hope ya all havin' a good time, and we welcome ya to another episode of..."-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses the three of them</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"What we do in da shadows"-</span>
  </em>
  <span>Deacon and Vlad voices echo all arourd the room in a messy way while a growl can be heard from the bottom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>What we do in the shadows</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Episode: Vampire tries to touch himself...But fails miserably</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>--------------</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses Vlad</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"So basically, the main reason of why Viago hasn't appeared yet is because right now he's kind of ...struggling with himself?"-</span>
  </em>
  <span>A quick blush suddenly appears across his cheekbones when he finishes the last sentence</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The camera points to two big doors made of wood, apparenty this is Viago's room from where it comes sounds that seem to be whines, painful ones.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"This came as a surprise to me. I mean...eh...you as a friend of Viago get used to see him as the sweetest thing in the whole world(</span>
  </em>
  <span>Photogage of Viago being showed</span>
  <em>
    <span>), but then reality slaps the shit out of ya...and you remember that he was also an human being"-Vlad smiles</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses Deacon</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"So yeah...The thing is that that two days ago we found  Viago in a very uncomfortable situation"-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Anonymous:-"Why? What was he doing?"-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"Oh...Eh, he was masturbating"- Deacon bites his bottom lip</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses Vlad</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"So he was doin' this thing when me and Deacon arrived to his room. We should've knocked the door first but we didn't expect to find him like this, we just wanted to talk to him about Nick and then this happened. I was left astonished when I saw him...Not because I saw him naked all slpayed on the couch, I knew that he wasn't a virgin obviously (When someome looks like that he or she could have an infinity of partners)...But because I realized by the look on his face that, he wasn't enjoying it."-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses Deacon</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"At that moment we tried to figure out if anything bad had happened to him earlier, but then we thought better about it realizing that this wasn't anyone's fault. What we know about him is that he worked as a gigolo in the early 18th century...So in little words: He was so busy in pleasing others, that he forgot how to please himself."-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses Vlad</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"He looked like he was suffering. The frustration showing all over his face, it was quite pityful for me. That sad expression in his eyes made me feel guilty because as an expertise in those matters I must be able to help one of my best friends, he should be able to explore and enjoy his body properly...Now I'll take the matter in my own hands"-Vlad looks directly into the camera</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses Deacon</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-"I hope that Vlad doesn't mean what he's saying"-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera focuses them both as they turn to look at each other</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>To be Continued...</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Table Talk</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Camera on in 3...2...1...Action!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Vladislav and Deacon are sit on the living room's table, probably arguing about something that the recording crew can't understand, until they come closer...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>V: "I think...this is a good idea"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>D:"And I think ya nuts!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>V:"C'me on Deacon, Why am I nuts? Cause I wanna help our friend?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>D:"No!...Don't you understand? You can't help him!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>V:"Why can't I help him?! , Who give ya the authority to..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>D:"Hey, hey, hey...listen to me, you...must...not...help...him. What ya have to do is like normal people do, let him solve his personal matters. AND DON'T GET YA PERVERT POINTY NOSE IN OTHER PEOPLE'S ISSUES!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>While the vampires  continue arguing, Petyr enters the scene to stop this ridiculous conflict. Both trust in what he does as he is considered to be the oldest and wisest of them all...</em>
</p><p>When Vlad and Deacon start to fight like two bratty kids, Petyr grabs them by their necks sinking his claws into their skin and making them plead to release them as they both promise to stop behaving so inmaturely</p><p>
  <em>P:"Ghrrrhmmm"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>D:"I know Petyr, I know...But ya should listen to what Vlad wants to do with Viago"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>P:"Ghrrhmmm"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>V:"Petyr, Petyr...Listen to me. Ya know I'll never do anything that Viago doesn't want to do"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>D:"'course we all know...As we know as well that you have ever always wanted to get laid with Viago!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Their conversation is interrupted by some slight sobs that can be heard from behind the main room's doors, Viago is crying again</em>
</p><p>
  <em>V:"Could you listen to me for a moment guys?...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Look, I know that I'm not worthy of ya trust...ok? I know that I'm a pervert, a black sheep and that I can barely think in other thing that isn't myself...But, the one that has been suffering for days inside that room is our friend, my friend!...And I love him as much as you love him! I respect him cause I would rath</em>
  <em>er prefer to cut my own head than to make him drop a single tear...</em>
</p><p>Petyr and Deacon stare sadly at each other</p><p>
  <em>Don't ya think that see Viago like that break my black soul into pieces? Don't ya think I wouldn't do the imposible to make him smile again? If that's not the correct way to feel about ya friends, then I don't know which it is anymore. The only thing that I'm asking ya both is to recognize that what I want to do is for the sake of his own well-being and everyone's...Please, just give me a chance..."</em>
</p><p>They turn to look at each other again</p><p>
  <em>D:"Would ya give us a moment please?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>V:"Ok..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Petyr and Deacon stand up from the table and go to the kitchen leaving Vlad alone. Finally they return after five minutes</em>
</p><p><em>D:"So...we've talked for a while and we finally decided to agree in ya proposal. We'll help Viago in any way that is possible it doesn't matter which it is, but the condition is that at the first signal of pain or disgust, ya must stop immediatly. (</em>Deacon get his face close to Vlad's to whisper in a menacing voice)<em> Cause if ya hurt our sweet Viago, I'll make ya burn with the morning sun..."</em></p><p>
  <em>V:"Ok Deacon"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>P:"Grrrhjjmmmmm"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>D:"Ya right"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They all hug each other in a tight embrance</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>V:"All for Viago"</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Stalker</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Camera on in 3...2...1...Action!</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The recording crew have come to a privacy arrangement with Vlad and he've decided to let us follow him during the next following minutes, thanks to this we'll have full access to a series of images that can be considered explicit and not suitable to all audiences. Discretion is advised...</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Vlad pushes the huge door softly, trying not to do the smallest of sounds as he enters the Dandy's splendid bedroom. He reviews the whole place from the largest to the tiniest detail admiring how well clean and preserved is this old Victorian room..<em>."Definitely this is the perfect sanctuary for Viago"</em> he thinks to himself. He observes the wooden coffin, well placed in a corner as far as it could be from the windows...Vlad knows about Viago's great phobia to the sunlight, the poor thing fears everyday to wake up at the wrong time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He continues the unobtrusive inspection noticing the king-sized bed that Viago is always worried to keep neat, although he never uses it really. A thought crosses his head making him blush instantly...<em>Just to imagine all the things that could be done there, all the things that he could do with Viago…</em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's better not to think about it for any longer, so he focuses his attention to the rest of the other room's antique objects. Beginning with the french ivory piano, a true relic that still resonates its keys with intensity during the loneliest nights, those nights in which Vlad hears Viago create masterful romantic melodies that fill his already battered heart with some heat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Viago is a hopeless romantic; After all it's part of his nature to be like that...Considering the historical period he belongs to...And that is reflected with his actions, like when he cries over the memories of his lost love, when he shares a glass of blood with his friends while reading some poetry, or even when he sits to enjoy Deacon's erotic dances (Not so erotic for Vlad). But Vlad doesn't find this to be cheeky because he also used to be a romantic a long time ago, until some circumstances changed that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For Vlad, Viago is simply fascinating...Not to mention smart, caring and very gentle. So taking that into account, it's needless to say that tonight he must be able to let out the sweetest part of himself in order to make Viago feel secure in his arms. He must seduce him...He must be a subtle teacher...Being able to instruct him tenderly into the pleasure paths, it doesn't matter if he isn't familiar with such ways. For Viago he'll forget about torture, for Viago he'll do anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes travel through the hairdresser observing the bunch of ridiculously expensive colognes and catches a glance of the green wall paper already wasted by the passage of time (The same pigment that killed half of the European population in the eighteen century). Vlad suppresses a laugh as he thinks that most people knew the poisonous color was made with arsenic, but they couldn't care less as long as their homes and clothes looked stylish. Not everyone was lucky enough to be an immortal neither to survive the disastrous consequences at those times...<em>What could he do after all?</em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally over those walls lie the oil paints of the house lord, ones older than others but all containing the same beauty of the man immortalized in them...as Sandro Boticcelli did with Venus once. Vlad couldn't stop thinking that Viago should've been a perfect model for Boticcelli's inspiration, the artist that painted mainly goddesses, nymphs and angels (Nothing like The Beast, his ex-girlfriend). His thoughts are interrupted by some slight sobs coming from the red Chaise Lounge sofa placed backwards to him. He isn't sure anymore if he should come closer, but his instincts make him recover his courage and quickly he approaches to the front of the piece of furniture.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span><em>There he is</em>... just like as he came into the world, God's best creation made in his image and likeness. Viago lies over the expensive couch wearing nothing but a gold bracelet on his right ankle, resting his exposed flesh shameless to the heat of the fireplace. Vlad watches in silence, not dearing to make a single noise as he examines this hyperrealistic sculpture taking a few steps forward, starving for the fruit that made Adam and Eve being expelled from the Paradise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly a familiar impulse causes his hand to jolt to Viago's knee but it's stopped before it reaches to touch the skin, it seems like old customs never die. However he remembers this is his friend, the man he owes respect, and he doesn't have any right to disturb his peace or encroach his personal space. He meditates in that, but he also realizes that the temptation is too much...The smooth curves whose hands aren't able to run trough, the sun-kissed skin that have starred in his dreams for a long time and those fleshy lips he had been aching to taste so bad...For the first time Vlad finds his way of thinking a bit dirty and sees himself as the snake in the Tree of the Knowledge, with his perverse charisma wanting to seduce the innocent Eve into sin, and that makes him feel guilty.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nevertheless he manages to stare at the rest of the  slim muscled body, the bracelet leg hanging from the sofa while the other sinks the foot into the red velvet and the toes curling are matched with soft painful whines echoing in the room. Then he notices something that gets him down....Viago's hand pulling his cock harshly with a clumsy movement as if he was milking a cow, the poor piece of meat reddened by the bad attention it has been receiving. Vlad's eyes rise slowly from the hairy torso and finally arrive to Viago's face all covered with the traces of bloody tears, the handsome arabian features twisting in frustration...aching for release.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span><em>"Viago"</em> Vlad sighs pityfully moving closer to Viago's head, he bents at his height and put his hand on Viago's, the one that belongs to the arm that is resting above his head...Viago keeps his eyes wide shut like he doesn't care about the sudden pressure of Vlad's head on his arm neither the other vampire's presence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>To be continued...</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
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